Charlie Begins

25 March 2006 @ 12:03 am

dear friend,

i am back from san francisco, and i had a wonderful time. i am sorry i never told you when i was leaving, but everything was hectic right beforehand. anyways, i have many pictures from sf and will post them later because i have more exciting news now. 

I GOT MY FIRST SHOT!!! i saw the doctor today and i got my first injection of testosterone this afternoon. i am so happy! s. and a. came with me to share the moment and i was on cloud 9 all day. the doctor was not nearly as abrasive this time; i think having fine ladies with me reinforced my male identity to him. right before he came in i heard him say, “i am going to take care of him first,” then i heard him pick up the chart and say, “her. him. her.” when he saw my birth name on the chart. whatever.

he said my t levels were high (something like 8.6 (?) i have no idea what he means), but the pa said my levels were low, at 200. he was going to start me at 50mg every two weeks, but gave me 100mg for every three weeks.

i know that is an extremely low dose and he said i would probably get more with the cream i am on, but i wanted to go with the injections because i thought having 100mg in my system at once might be more effective. and he said i could use the cream to supplement the shot towards the end of my cycle, which is pretty cool. i am so excited! oh yeah, he also put me on injections of b12 every two weeks, but that is not really that exciting - the most exciting thing about that is that it looks like red kool-aid and is way easier to inject than testosterone.

 
the grin after the first shot 
 
more grinning 
 
happy feet 
 
sore arm 
 
nerd 
 
happy couple 
 
me and my girls

Current mood:  ecstatic

16 March 2006 @ 05:35 pm

dear friend,

i think i forgot to tell you that i had made an appointment to see the internist in town that deals only with male and female hormones. i had the appointment this morning at 9am. it went pretty well. not as great as it could have, but it wasn’t shitty either. at least someone in town will put me on shots. 

when i was waiting to be called back i figured i would be outed when they called out my old name, but i was surprised when they called out my last name which is pronounced like “tommy,” so it sounded like that was my name. as soon as the nurse called me back there, she turned to me and said, “what do you go by?” i was surprised because i hadn’t mentioned i was trans anywhere, just that i was looking for a doc to continue my testosterone therapy with. she had no problem calling me charlie and wrote it down on all of the forms. after she left, a pa came in to ask a few questions. she seemed pretty familiar with trans things, and asked me various questions about my health and was very pleasant. i am glad i saw her first.

the doctor was a completely different story. he was very brisk, and the first thing he was asked me was if i “wanted to make the change.” this shot up a red flag. why else would i want to go on testosterone?! i said yes and then he asked if i was planning on having any surgery. i said i had a top surgery consultation on monday. he asked why i was going to get that done. i said it would make living as male easier, etc. he said it “wouldn’t help me because my chest has nothing to do with my hormones, so why would i want to get that done?” (he thinks i need a hysto right away, because taking a t is an uphill battle for a female bodied person) 

i told him having a chest made the beach and locker room situations sticky, etc, and he said that i shouldn’t be using a men’s locker room because i am not a man because i don’t have a penis. i told him i used men’s restrooms, and he said, “well isn’t that uncomfortable?” i said no, and then he said, “well is isn’t that uncomfortable for them? i said no one has ever looked at me twice or said anything, so i guessed not. it is not like i announce that i am a transsexual when i enter the men’s room!

then i said something about needing the chest off for swimming and he nodded and made some affirmative grunting noise, as if he slightly understood. he then said he was going to have my blood drawn and then i will come back in a week, go over the results, and then hopefuly get my first shot.

after talking to this guy, i didn’t know whether to be shocked, offended, or to laugh. i ended up laughing. i was a little upset right after he left the room, but when i was waiting for them to draw my blood, i found myself laughing. he sounds like a major asshole in this letter and when i tell people what he said, but somehow it was hardly offensive coming from him. i guess i don’t expect much from a former linebacker.

this guy knows a hell of a lot about hormones, but nothing about the social aspect of being trans. it is like he thinks i’m on testosterone and continuing to live as female (because i don’t have a penis). i think i am going to go to him just to get started on shots, then switch over to the doctor in orlando over the summer who knows about ftms because i will have more time to make the trips back and forth. also, i don’t think he’s going to give me anywhere near the standard dose, so that is another reason to switch too. (he recently put my trans friend on 100mg/3 weeks. that sounds like mood swing hell!)

anyways, i’m just happy to (hopefully) get started on shots soon.

love always,

charlie

i feel: tired

12 March 2006 @ 04:31 pm

dear friend, 

oh my god, my sex drive is unbelievable. i swear i have not stopped jacking off for 24 hours. i don’t know where it came from! at one and two months i was becoming mildy “interested,” but now, holy shit! 

i have to go to work now, so that rules out the next four hours. 

love always, 

charlie

i feel: naughty

mix tape is on: empire state- bugs in the system

11 March 2006 @ 01:29 pm

dear friend,

i have a random question for you. what do you use for sex? i’m looking for something new, and i’m open to all kinds of suggestions. i want something that feels nice/real for my lady.

love always,

charlie

i feel: complacent

mix tape is on: simon and garfunkel- the sounds of silence

07 March 2006 @ 07:33 pm

dear friend, 

today i had a good moment in the bathroom. i had just “set myself up” to pee when this guy walked in. i was so mad! usually when that happens the guy walks right up to the urinal next to me (there’s only two), whips out his shit (how envious i get!), and goes without a problem. it infuriates me.

then i am unable to pee and usually leave in a bad mood and dysphoric because i have to pee and feel defeated by the non-trans guy who can take a piss without thinking about it. then i usually do something stupid like take it out on my girlfriend. but today was different!

i was all set up to go and this guy walked in and my anxiety level shoots through the roof, but he doesn’t saddle up next to me- no, he goes to wash his hands! i had to pee so bad and it wasn’t coming but then the sink turns on and BOOM! or should i say PISS!

either way, it wasn’t weird pissing with him in there. so i am not totally pee shy. there is hope for me! i just have to get the stream going. now that i know that, half of the problem is taken care of! anyways, i was really proud of myself and feel stupid telling anyone else but i feel good so i wanted to share.

love always,

charlie

p.s.- please remind me to get my t script in the mail tomorrow, ok? i really need to do that.

i feel: good

mix tape is on: led zeppelin- over the hills and far away

• Question: when you start T, other than deepening your voice, did it ruin your singing voice at all? - safeinyour-skin
• Answer:

  Nope, it didn’t ruin my singing voice, but I did have to constantly sing when my voice was changing to not lose it.

  I sang in the car ALL the time, much to the amusement (or chagrin) of my passengers - I said it was for my musical health! ;o)

06 March 2006 @ 01:21 pm

dear friend,

it was my three months on testosterone a few days ago, yayyy!!!

i guess since so many things are happening and i have quite a few pictures to show you that i will just go through everything one thing at a time to make sure i remember it all.
 

 voice: my voice is considerably deeper (though not where i want it to be), especially when i talk in my “man voice” at work or at school (chest voice as opposed to head voice). i revert back to talking softly with s. because she is sad about me losing my voice. i am too in a way, but only because voice is such a strong identifier, and i feel like i am losing part of my identity.

it is not totally bad though, because i am gaining a new identity that matches the person i am supposed to be. i had that one night of intense pain in my vocal chords and my voice did seem much lower the next day, so maybe that was my first “drop” on the cream. i knew it would take longer, and it does feel like my vocal chords have gradually lengthened. my voice does crack at times, especially at night. i think it will be all over the place once i get on shots. 

i can tell more of a difference in the voice change when i sing. it is very odd how suddenly i can sing lower; it is evident in singing a scale how much the cords have lengthened. and sadly, i have to report that i have completely lost my high soprano range, which i really worked on a lot and was very proud of (it really fucked people out that i could sing that high!). now when i try to sing up there, it sounds like i’m fluttering and cracking my voice on purpose. i find myself singing lower harmonies to music now instead of the higher ones, and it is awesome.

facial hair: my facial hair is coming in along nicely. the mustache is still fuzzy and not doing much, but that’s ok because i am not into mustaches. the hair under my chin and around my neck grows in patches. the right side seems to be coming along better than the left, and still no growth in the middle yet. there are fine hairs along my jawline where my beard will eventually grow in. chin hair is spreading to the side of my face. sideburns are coming in as well. there is new facial hair everyday. it’s kind of awesome to wake up now.

 

 

 
from the bottom 

 
low angle 

 
happy scruff 

 
more happy scruff 

 
smilin 

 
more 

 
side view 

 
i don’t know if you can see it, but i’ll post it anyways. 

 
stache n beard 

 
another side view

there is more hair all over my body. my arm and leg hair is getting darker and thicker. i have been achey a lot lately and i realized they were growing pains! i feel it mostly in my knees and shoulders, and maybe in my feet a little. i hear about guys getting taller and their feet growing on testosterone. i wonder if it will happen with me. i definitely could use a few inches! 

my hands also feel bigger. they look bigger too. s. has noticed this as well. my happy trail is getting thicker, and there is a line of fine hair that starts in the middle of my chest and goes down my stomach.

 

 

 

 

 

 

overall, i am getting more slim even though i eat a ton of food. i am noticing my muscles developing. well actually, i only noticed it because the first thing my doctor said to me when i saw him last week was, “you bulked up.” i don’t work out at all, but i am really thinking about starting, despite my crazy schedule. i would like to do some light lifting; i think it’d do me some good.

oh yeah, the little guy is coming along nicely as well, but you don’t get to see pictures of that.

love always,

charlie

i feel: mellow

mix tape is on: led zeppelin- the rain song

06 March 2006 @ 12:34 am

dear friend,

i caught a little bit of the academy awards tonight. i want to be reese witherspoon’s baby daddy. 

love always,

charlie

i feel: pleasant

mix tape is on: watching kill bill

05 March 2006 @ 04:09 pm

dear friend,

i haven’t written for a few days, so i just wanted to say hi. i have been super busy with work and school. sometimes i wish i could do what j. is doing and take a break from school and work and just have time to think about all of the mental and physical changes i am going through, but that isn’t really practical. 

we go to san francisco soon and i am in excited/freak-out-about-money mode, but i think i should be fine especially if my parents decide to be gracious for this trip, which is usually the case. i just have to watch it the next two weeks with my spending. i can’t be doing elaborate dinners and having “i feel like buying that shirt” moments.

s. and i are both a little anxious about the six hour flight. i have never been on a flight longer than 2 hours. i don’t want to freak out or something. i probably shouldn’t worry about that, because it probably won’t happen. and if it does, s. and i have each other - that will be fun. we can talk and stuff the whole time!

i see my psychiatrist tomorrow. i am going to tell him about san francisco and my top surgery consultation. i also have to get my testosterone script in the mail. as usual, i am late with it and fear i will run out. the internist’s office never called me back for an appointment, so i have to call and do that tomorrow. i feel like i have too many loose ends to tie up before we leave.

i also need to get the satanic verses read, which is a 400+ page novel. i am only on page 57 or something. i really feel swamped with that. we also have an essay due on it right before we leave. lame. oh, shit. i forgot i had a social welfare paper to write too. 

i feel like i am drowning! it doesn’t help that i have to work every night i am not in school; i just feel like i never have time to get anything done. and work has been stressful lately, so that doesn’t make it any fun to go in. 

i have to leave in half an hour, so i’d better get back to doing something productive. i just wanted to say hi and tell you i will post a three month testosterone update with pictures soon.

love always,

charlie

i feel: energetic

mix tape is on: led zeppelin- d’yer mak’er